Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
