Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
