they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
