stop calling my apartment porn island.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
