I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I fill condoms, not promises.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize