I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
