never play flip cup with pint glasses
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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