You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
