Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
