my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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