Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
