so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
