Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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