Buhtt sex?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize