1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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