you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
