so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
