The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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