I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
