The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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