woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
