So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
