I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize