Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
