i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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