His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
