She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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