I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well I just put wine in my tea
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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