How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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