Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
