I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize