if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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