dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
