You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
