We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize