dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
