I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
