highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
