I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
