she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
