John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
