I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
