the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My hand turned me down
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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