Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
