my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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