Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
