you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
