addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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