Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize