They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
