Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I looked at my own cervix.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
