I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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