6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize