He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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