If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
