I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
