why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
