i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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