She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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