i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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