I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
