I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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