You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
