i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
