how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You made out with two different species that night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
