i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
