Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
