In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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