and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
