I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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