Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
