mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
