Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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